{Shattered} Dreams

Alright so it seems like its been quite a while since I've updated this thing, So i figured now would be about as good a time as any.

Almost 12 weeks ago Jon and I found out we were gonna have a baby, It was the best feeling in the world lol of course it took 4 pregnancy tests (2 easy blue digitals that i thought were broken and 2 EPT's with the stupid little lines) but apparently that wasn't enough to make me believe... So the Blood test was the kicker. Actually its funny with the first pregnancy test i let my boyfriend know by driving over to his house 2 hours earlier then planned, barging in, running into his room, shoving it in his face and started screaming "WHERE THE HELL IS THE NOT! THIS DOES NOT SAY NOT!!" I suppose i was kinda scared about Everyone would react so me myself i was scared when the pregnancy tests said positive but after the blood test i was thrilled because my mom knew and she was happy, Jon knew and he was happy and that in its entirety was enough for me. Finding out your gonna have a baby... It was the best feeling i'd ever felt. I was so excited about it all, even the blood work, the pap test, the questions all of it.... every doctors appointment i couldnt' wait for.... and when i found out they were gonna give me an ultra sound i was over the moon about it excited. I went to the ultra sound on Wensday June 27th, and they told me they didn't see my baby's heartbeat, that it only looked like i was 6 weeks pregnant and the sac the baby was in was irregular. In short, My baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and my body just hadn't carried out a miscarriage.So they called my Doctor and my doctor had me come see her right away.. She hugged me and looked at my sympathetically and said something pretty much along these lines "We're so sorry, theres nothing you could have done, Theres nothin anyone could have done, Sometimes things like these just happens, The genes just probley weren't porpotioned right  during conception and the baby was going to be abnormal your body probley sensed that, so it shut itself down.. For some reason though your body doesn't wanna accept that. Theres a couple of options we can take from here, 1) We can wait a few days and see if your body miscarries on its own, 2) we can give you a pill to educe a miscarriage, or 3.) we can get you scheduled for a D&C and put you under while we go in and scrape everything out".  I had been pretty good on not breaking down and crying until this point, (dont get me wrong tears were formed in my eyes since the ultra sound place but i was determined not to cry till i got home i didnt' want everyone giving me "We know" looks.)  but i still sucked it up... no tears were going to fall yet. but the doctor still seen the tears i was holding back and put her hand on my knee and continued "I know how hard this is to hear, All your dreams and hopes you had of watching this child be born, and to grow... all of them gone in an instant... you dont have to make a choice now, wait a few days see what happens but if nothing happens you really should decide on something.... and you know this doesn't mean that this will happen in future pregnancies. Its extremely common for women to loose their first baby to a miscarriage, there are no studies done on why this happens.. unless it happens 2 or 3 times to the same woman then steps are taken to find out why. But I dont see any reason why this would affect future pregnancies, Your a healthy young woman and he looks like a healthy young man you can try agian."  Once more she paused and sighed "Like i said you can give it a few days, then call us. I am really sorry... Are you going to be ok?"  I of course was speachless, i couldn't feel my legs, i felt like i was going to vomit but there was something blocking my throat, my eyes burned, my heart was beating so fast i thought it was gonna beat right outta my chest... she looked at my boyfriend and said "I'm really sorry...If you two need anything call...." She placed her hand on my shoulder once more then spoke "Agian i'm really sorry for your loss... Dont worry about checking out i'll take care of it for you."  then she openned the door and left... It didn't take long before i was rushing out the office tryingto get home before i burst into tears cause i knew if i had i wouldn't stop. We got into the hall outside the dr. office and Jon stopped me, and wrapped his arms around me and that was it.. that was the breaking point i just started to cry so hard, we stood there for a few seconds and then i pushed him away and said i dont wanna do this here then we walked out of the building i got to the parking lot (still crying) and called my work i told them i wasn't comming in for personal reasons and hung up. I cried all the way from the dr. to Jon's house  a good 20 min drive...  we got to his house and we  just laid there and hugged and i cried and cried then i called my dad still crying about 30 minutes later and told him then  alittle calmer i called my mom, after that Jon fell asleep and i lay there still crying finally i too fell asleep and when i woke up i felt horrible How could i sleep after somthing like this... why was i hungry, I shouldn't be able to eat or sleep how horrible am i...

Here it is over a week later and i still cry all the time, I still hurt alittle from the D&C... and my heart still hurts everytime i see, hear or anything about a baby... Its hard its extremely hard to know you'll never hold your baby or see your baby... Sometimes i blame myself for the loss.. I keep thinking Maybe just maybe if i had stopped working or stayed in bed all the time... ate better,  did something more then maybe my baby would have made it....

My step sister Jennifer was 3 weeks ahead of me in pregnancy... and she and her baby are both fine... and honestly i cant help but to be jealous and i dont really want to hear or anything about her baby... I mean i'm happy for her i am... and i'll love my neice or nephew but.... Its not fair she gets her baby and i get... nothing... just emptiness..

Jon and i have talked... We are gonna try agian as soon as it is safe... We want a child more than anything in this world, He has been the greatest most supportive, sweetest, kindest, most understanding guy through all of this... he has been there no questions asked whenever i needed him This has made me fall in love with him 10 times more then i already was... I honestly dont know what i would have done without him being there by my side the whole time.. He is what has helped me through this.... I'm never gonna let him go... One day... I'mma marry that guy.. and we're gonna have healthy beautiful kids, and a couple of cats and maybe even a dog. We're gonna be happy...One Day

I go back to work tomorrow... The first time since wensday.... I really dont know how well its gonna go... I went in there yesterday to drop off my doctor excuse saying i can come back to work... and everyone in the place  that works there knows...So i dunno how well this is gonna work... i hope i'll be fine but i'm afraid i wont be... I go to the doctor on the 12th so they can make sure i'm all healed up and stuff...

I'll try to update more but for now i have to go...

-Candi

LOL so i guess i'mma make a habbit of like updating this thing like once a month... No seriously i'mma try to update about once a week.. So ya work still sucks... but the 220 bucks a week is a sweet deal, Actually work has been playing nice. Giving me at least 2 days a week to spend with Jon and we take full advantage of the time... So ok i talk about Jon all the time but ya know i've never really ever said much about him so heres some inside info lol

First of all he's 25, he'll be 26 on June 18th, he's like 6'3 and extremely skinny lol although he is getting a tiny bit of a beer belly.. Cause well ya he drinks alot, he's forever at bars or friends parties, he's one of those guys who loves to let loose and have a good time, But he's not one of those guys that ignores you around his friends not at all... everytime i'm around along with his friends he treats me exactly the same as if we were alone.  Its funny really... He looks like one of those no good pot smokin waste of space guys  but at the same time totally sexy... anyways lol most people say he looks like that but he's one of the funniest, sweetest, hard working  guy i know. 

Ok well ya theres alil insight

Anyways my grandma has been totally upset about me not comming back to alabama.. and i feel so bad about it. Cause i know she misses me and i really miss all of them down there.. but i love my job here and Jon and also i have alot more fun here really i  go out more... lol 

(BTW if anyone is around Philly they should definatly hit me up and maybe we'll meet up at one of the clubs around there lol)

Welp I'll update more in the next couple of days probley... Bed is calling me..

Ok so ya out of Boredom i've entered a few contests lately mostly on BB so yeah heres the winning Status' which completely amaze me really they do

 
^^ Second place for my Caith/ Dander Fic 



Won Second Place in an avie competition on BB for that one..

And also one i'm really proud of cuz i suck at stuff

It was a tie for 3rd but

On the first day of christmas my BB gave to me, a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
On the second day of christmas my BB gave to me Two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
On the 3rd day of christmas my BB gave to me Three witty comebacks, Two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
on the 4th day of christmas my BB gave to me Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, Two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
On the 5th day of Christmas my bb gave to me Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, Two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
on the 6th day of christmas my bb gave to me Six Bumpy Vamps, ...Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, Two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
on the 7th day of christmas my bb gave to me Seven Magic Spells, Six Bumpy Vamps, ...Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, Tw slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
on the 8th day of christmas my BB gave to me Eight Doublemeat Burgers, Seven Magic Spells, Six Bumpy Vamps, ...Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
On the 9th day of christmas my BB gave to me, Nine Wooden Stakes, Eight Doublemeat Burgers Seven Magic Spells, Six Bumpy Vamps, ...Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
On the 10th day of Christmas my BB gave to me ten Fishy Swimmers, nine Wooden Stakes, eight Doublemeat Burgers, Seven Magic Spells, Six Bumpy Vamps, ...Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
On the 11th day of Christmas my BB gave to me Eleven Potential slayers, Ten Fishy Swimmers, Nine Wooden Stakes, Eight Doublemeat Burgers, Seven Magic Spells, Six Bumpy Vamps, ...Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, Two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum
On the 12th day of Christmas my BB gave to me Twelve Uber vamps, Eleven Potential slayers, Ten Fishy Swimmers, Nine Wooden Stakes, Eight Doublemeat Bugers Seven Magic Spells, Six Bumpy Vamps, ...Five Gentlemen....Four Best friends, Three witty comebacks, two slimmy demons and a Buffy bot in a mausoleum

and last but certinately not least!



second place for this wallpapery blend 
http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g28/bamag1rl/Spin-CH8-ab101.jpg

Ok ya I am so bad, I haven't updated since before xmas. Hope everyone's christmas was awesome. Mine was great, I got me a foot massager, a new wallet with 50 bucks in it, a DVD/VCR combo player, 20 bucks from my grandma Z, still waiting on 100 bucks from my family in bama (all the money i got for xmas has been spent lol I got my hair cut and my nails done with it bad me i know lol.... love to be pampered.)Me and Jon are doing great, He's amazing as always i love him very much. I finally met his mom and his friends on new years, and we've been spending more time together. Work is definatly kicking my ass but the plus side? I am no longer temp but i am perminate. Also i'm working full time hours now. So i'm like extremely exhausted, too much working, I haven't felt well in the past couple of days though i'm all queezy and sick to my stomach, so i dunno bout all that. Anyways yeah just an update for yall i'll try to be around more sorry i haven't been yall. 


Oh and WOOT before i forget. I just bought two new books, Go Ask Malice by Joseph Levy. Which is a book about Faith from BTVS, and Queen of the Slayers by Nancy Holder also a Buffy book so yeah YAY me :) 

Ok off to bed now.

<3 you all

Ok so its been a while since i posted anything on here i've just been extremely busy with work and Jon. When i'm not at work, I'm either to tired to come on here for long or i'm over at Jon's almost too tired to hang out. So being as i've had 3 nights off in a row i figured i'd update. On the upside i am NOT pregnant, so big relief there for both me and Jon.

So on to the deep questions

How can One person be so sweet and caring one day and the next its almost like they've lost all feeling? Do People really realize they do it? Is a way to protect themselves from being hurt to confuse the person they show feelings toward? Is it natural and are the feelings truthful or a lie? How do you really tell if its a lie? Trust is such a hard thing to have... Always wanting to guard your heart so its not shattered, but at the same time If your in a relationship you should let your guard down and trust that person isn't going to hurt you on purpose. Things people say aren't always a lie... hard to trust but its true... You should trust a person until they give you reasonable doubt not to. Not everyone is alike. Something i have to learn completley though i'm getting better at it.

Its so hard lately to see Jon anymore with the way our work schedules are they're crazy. I've been going in between 10 am and 12 pm, I have to get up at like 9 just to get ready for work, Shower, Dressed, Makeup, Breakfast, Hair etc.... So no time to see jon before i go really.... and then his schedule he goes in at 3-11 so by the time i'm off of work he's at work. Then theres days he goes in at 12-11 at night or something like that because he got promoted and that means more responsiblity. So its difficult to get our schedules right, so i dont see him or talk to him as much as i'd like.

Hard to figure out how bad thats gonna be on us. I've never had a job that restrains me from being with a guy... Its kinda new to me The first job i've ever had... People work through that everyday so i guess we can. I miss him though he kinda grows on you. Christmas is comming up very soon i've already bought my mom her xmas, Next i plan on buying Jon something, Then my step dad, then next friday my dad, Grandma, Step Mom, Niece and Nephew. I'll try to update closer to Xmas. If i dont HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!!

I'm signing off now i have work at 10 in the morning.

XOXOXO,
Candi

Hmmm well i got the job at marshalls yay me, It is temp for about 90 days i get 7 bucks an hr and work mainly nights and weekends apparently which is great. I got to hang out with jon this morning to which i absolutely love doing and for the first time in a long time i feel happy and excited i guess cause of the job also because i stopped pushing jon away so much which makes it less stressful and just more enjoying. Anyways i'll update more later yall

{CURRENTS}

Date: November 20th 2006
Time: 1:46 PM
Location: Wilmington Delaware
Age: 18
Wearing: Blue silk night shirt
Marital Status: In a Relationship
Current Favorite Song: Animal i've become- Three Days Grace
Current Favorite Movie(s): The Exorcist and A walk to remember
Current Favorite Show{s}: Bones, One Tree Hill, Smallville, Supernatural, Ghost Wisperer, Reba, 7th Heaven, Hero's, How I met Your Mother, Days of our lives

Are people truely thankful for the things they have? I mean most people just complain about the things they dont have and i'm not saying i never do that because I do but the more i grow up the more i begin to really think. There are so many people who have it worse then me in the world. I have a huge family who loves me and supports me, I have great Wonderful Terrific friends who are just awesome, I have food in my stomach, Water to shower with and to drink, and a roof over my head. Some people dont even get clean water to drink, and they die of so many different diseases. Poor innocent children dying every day cause they dont even have one bite of bread avaliable to them. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own little worlds they dont see whats going on outside of it. I complain alot about things that are going wrong and yes that is important to a point but when you look at the bigger picture you just look at yourself and wonder how you could be so stupid to worry about such things as am i gonna be able to afford a brand new Prom dress or something stupid like that. At least we aren't having to ask ourselves every day... Is this the day i'll starve to death?

You Are 55% Bitchy

Generally, you're an average woman, with average moods. But sometimes... well, watch out! Sometimes, you let your mean side get the better of you. And you enjoy every minute of it.

Your PMS Disaster Level: High

You are definitely a PMS disaster! At least you're only scary a few days of the month.

You Are Picky When it Counts

Like most sane women, you want a great guy who will treat you well. But you're also willing to put up with a few flaws in your Mr. Right You should congratulate yourself on having a realistic approach to dating. You probably have quite a few great guys you can date!

Your Spicy Score: Medium

You are hot enough to make a lasting impression, but you strike a balance. You know when you're being too fiery, and you also know when to bump up the temperature. Naughty and clever. Sexy yet down to earth. You know how to work both sides of your personality. Men find you hot yet approachable - the perfect combination!

You Should Be a Fiery Redhead

Bold, head turning, and sure to show off your skin and eyes.

(hey look at that i already am ;) )

Ever Find it funny what people classify as a mistake. Some people find even the simplist thing a huge mistake where others who are level headed look for the worst thing to be a mistake. I supposed i'd be level headed when looking for others mistakes but to look toward my own even the simplist thing is a gigantic mistake in my book. It seems i'm always harder on myself then anyone else. What do you classify as a mistake? Spilt Milk or Someone setting off a huge bomb and killing thousands of people on accident? Can the person ever truely be forgiven or will they spend there lives asking what they can do to make it up to that one person who still looks down on them for that mistake? What about forgiveness in ones self why is it so hard to forgive yourself for your mistakes? Constantly you look at your life to judge what you've done or said wrong in the past. You strive to be perfect though you no that will never be the case and for the most part your ok with that but you still strive to correct every mistake you make. When you finally become an adult you look back on your childhood and then you look to the future. How can you truely call yourself an adult if you still fail at everything. Career, School, Friends, relationships? How cruel people can be sometimes. How can people say they love you and then all of a sudden you say something and they disappear? How can someone who says they love you disappear at all... Doesn't it break their heart to be away from you as it does you? Dont they lay awake wondering what your doing, or lay awake wondering what your thinking about and wondering if they are thinking of you as you are of them? Does love truely really exsist between a man and a woman or is it just a charade put on between the two of them for the world? There must be love in the world... The way a mother looks at their child thats love but is there truely love between the two sexes? Sometimes i have to wonder that, There seems to be so many heartbroken people in the world anymore. The heartbreakers eventually get what they give and there heart is broken as well.. and with each broken heart the broken build walls to protect themselves, before you know it everyone is so protected that love is forgotten and hate replaces it and fears. You fear that if you take that wall down for someone they aren't gonna protect your heart but just shatter it like the last person i mean its already fragile why not? What happens when it gets broke to many times and just cant be fixed and put back together?